A little boy asked: 'Dad, how did I get here?'

His Dad, thinking quickly, said, 'I put this seed in the garden –and that's how it happened. You just grew.'

So the boy went out, bought a packet of seeds, and sprinkled them all around the garden.

Next day, he went out, lifted up a big stone and saw a little frog.

He said, 'Well, you might be ugly, but I still love you ... 'cos I'm your Dad.'

I saw my mate in the street.

I said, 'Where are you going?'

He said, 'I'm just taking my wife to the Doctor's. I don't like the look of her.'

I said, 'Well hang on, mate, I'll go home and get mine – I can't stand the sight of her.'

A chap went into the Opticians.

The Optician said, 'Do you wear glasses?'

He said, 'Only when I want to see.'

I stopped my car, and there was a policeman on the edge of the pavement, looking very angry.

He said, 'You can't park here.'

I said, 'Why?'

He said, 'Because you're on my foot.'

Then he said, 'You're in a one-way street as well.'

I said, 'Well, I'm only going one way!'

I went into a shop and I said, `Do you sell sand?'

The assistant said, 'Yes. Do you want a big bag or a little bag?'

I said, 'You'd better give me a big bag. 'Cos I've just won a camel in a raffle.'

A fellow went to the Doctor, and said, 'Doctor, I'm very worried. I keep thinking I'm a packet of biscuits.'

Doctor: 'A packet of biscuits? Those little square ones?'

He said, 'Yes.'

Doctor: 'With lots of little holes in?'

He said, 'Yes.'

The doctor said, 'Then you must be crackers.'

This little lad went dashing into the house and said, 'Mum, I've knocked the ladder down outside.'

His mother said, 'Well, don't bother me, go and tell your dad.'

The lad said, 'He already knows – he's hanging off the roof.'

I took the dog for a walk the other day.

A neighbour said, `Why's your dog wearing brown boots?'

I said, 'Because his black ones are in the menders.'

I went into a shop for a box of matches.

I said, 'Are they British?'

The lady behind the counter said, 'Yes, every one's a striker.'

A plastic surgeon dozed off in front of the fire ...

...and he melted!

The receptionist said, 'Just a minute.'

He said, 'Thank you very much', and put down the phone.